I was going through crap this weekend and ran into my high school yearbooks. I sat thumbing through them ... nostalgic thoughts tumbling through my mind, making me dizzy.
It's funny when we are young and naive, we have such pure ideals of where life is going to take us ... I wish I could travel back in time and have a good talk with the me I used to be. I wonder if I could do that, would my life have turned out differently?? I was passive and scared of life for a long time. I was afraid to love and be loved for reasons I won't go into. When I was in my 20's I was afraid I was not worthy of the dreams I dreamed .... When I was in my 30's I fixed the parts of my psychie that made me believe that I wasn't worthy. Now I am in my 40's ... well, it's just interesting to see the journey as I nostalgically travel it again. I haven't had a bad life ... very good actually, but I definately missed out on a few things. I try to look at those things and wonder where my accountability is. I just have to place it in the Lords hands. Do the best I can now, and trust that where I am is where He wanted me to be and not just someplace I landed because I was afraid to fly a little higher.
I found a letter to myself ... one of those where you project where you are going to be in 20 years. It's been more than 20 years ... (I graduated in 1981) . I read the list of accomplishments I intended to have under my belt. It made me sad a little ... but only a little. When you are 17 you certainly don't see the dimensions life holds. With very few exceptions, I think I'm doing OK.
I'll Share my list, These are the things I wanted 20 years from 1981:
1) married for time and all eternity to the man of my dreams
2) 4 kids
3) a dog
4) I wanted to be on the general Relief Society Board (that seems silly now and I almost didn't blog it, but it was humorous, so I share)
5) Be a published author
6) Own a beautiful home
7) Be a teacher
8) Be a talk show host
Eight things ... that's all
What I got:
1.) Marriage??? = I got squat! I am looking forward to meeting, Ben, my life challenged Nephite!
2.) 4 Kids ??? = I got squat! I do have an abundance of nieces and nephews both biological and honorary that more than make up for my lack thereof in the children department!
3) A dog???= I never owned a dog, but developed a love for cats ... they are self maintaining and aside from the occasional nip and scratch are quite wonderful to have! I've had a few in my adulthood. Barney, Baby, Molly and now Maggie.
4) I no longer think it is necessary to be on the general Relief Society Board ... my ward callings are sufficiant for my needs and I have had too many to name.
5) Be a published author ... huh .. I did that! Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul, Volume 2. I may do it again!
6.) Own a Beautiful Home???= I own a condo that has plumbing issues and needs a new kitchen sink, but I'm happy there.
7.) Be a teacher = I never was a formal 'paid' teacher. But that dream changed. I love to teach and have done so in very many ways and will continue to do so.
8) Be a talk show host = I'm young ... this could still happen!
So, I did OK ... I'm doing OK ...
1) I have a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and s personal relationship with my Savior!
2) My family is freaking awesome!!!
3) I have learned to forgive ... and it sets you free!
4) I love my ward!
5) I truely believe that there's a giggle in every minute, it you find the joy within it!
6) I have a job I like ... it pays the bills!
7) I drive a cute car
8) I write ... I love to write!
9) I have freaking awesome friends!!!
10) I love music and enjoy making it part of my life!
11) I love this blog ... through it I have connected with old friends and made new ones!
12) I can still dream ... and I can still make them come true!
so, there ya go, a dozen reasons why my life is better than OK!
I have said farewell to my grandparents, some good friends and my two dear brothers, but I have great memories and look forward to eternity when we are all together again! I am richley blessed with abundance ... to much to count.
So, all in all, the road map of my life is not exactly what I planned ... but it works ... I am happy and this is good! :o)
4 comments:
You always inspire me! You make me think and you make me laugh!
You, my friend and "sister", are a true delight in my life!
It never seems to go where we thought it should but I think if you are happy with where you are, what else matters, right?!
I find your list just like mine would have been. I wanted 10 kids and have zero but I have been so abundantly blessed to have 20 nieces and nephews to spoil and 60 plus to be around as primary president. My life didn't turn out the way I planned but as I turned 39 yesterday I was grateful for what I do have and hope to dream new dreams and reach for those. Thanks for sharing your writing. You have an amazing gift.
Jana,
You've always impressed me with your positive eternal perspective. We could all use a dose.
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