30 years and counting ...

I hung up the phone. One more interview that failed, I really wanted that job and I am so tired of this perpetual vacation! My life was is turning in turmoil of unemployment and frustration. I feel as if I have failed somehow. My high school reunion was looming in the not so distant future and I found myself measuring the life I had lived in the last 30 years (yes, I said 30 years!) In the spirit of nostalgia I pulled out my senior class yearbook to peruse pictures from the past. As I was flipping through the pages a sealed envelope fell to the floor. Upon closer inspection I recognized the envelope. The night before graduation, my friends and I had gathered for a slumber party to celebrate the end of the school year! For fun we all wrote down goals and sealed them in envelopes and tucked them neatly in the pages of our yearbooks. This envelope was mine and across the front was written … “ Twenty Years from now.” “Twenty years? do I hear thirty?” I opened the envelope and found a yellowed piece of stationary with a list that read: “ In twenty years I will have four children and I will immerse myself in their daily activities. I will be a PTA president, soccer mom, maybe a girl scout leader or Primary president (leader of the children’s organization of my church). I will live in the suburbs in a ranch style house with a fenced yard and a garden. My life will be filled with activities that fill up children’s lives, family night on Monday’s, piano and dance recitals and little league games. I will have a Labrador or Collie named Otis, and a cat named Lucy or Barney or both. I will have dates on Friday or Saturday nights with a husband who adores me and is completely devoted to his family! I will laugh a lot, play games with the kids, and sing them to sleep when I tuck them in … and I won’t stop, even when they think they are too old. My house will be filled with music! I will be a fun mom, making memories with a family that will be mine for eternity. I will be a great wife who will always be interesting and fun to my husband. Housework has never been my forte’, but I will try to keep it up! In my spare time I will be a published author who writes poetry and short stories that will inspire and uplift those around me! I will be very happy!”

I read and reread the list before the tears that stung my eyes started to blur my vision. I had failed. The most important things to me on that list were just a patchwork of dreams that had never come to pass. I ached inside. I went to bed with a heavy heart and cried myself to sleep. I lived alone with a cat. I was in a position in my life that left me empty and unfulfilled, and at that moment I not only felt like I had nothing, I felt as though I was nothing. I went to bed with a heavy heart and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I stood in front of the mirror, getting ready for church.  I did not want to go. I wanted to crawl back into bed and pretend that I wasn’t the huge failure that I felt was slapping me in the face! Tears stung my eyes, and my cat, Maggie, kept jumping in the sink because she wanted me to hold her. I started to cry, the more I cried the angrier I got. I looked across the room at a picture of Christ that hung on my wall. “Why?” I asked desperately wanting Him to jump out of the picture and give me a hug. “What were you thinking, Father, when you made me! I just don’t get it?” My question was met by silence. “Father,” I prayed quietly, “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, that is not my intent. I just wish you could tell me what you were thinking when you made me. Why did I come here if I couldn’t be a mom? "I thought after 30 years of adulthood that when I looked in the mirror I wouldn't see a failure!"  "What do you see, Father? What is wrong with me?” My questions were met with silence. There was no answer. I left for church.
I was singing the opening hymn when a sweet little girl in the ward whispered in my ear, “Jana, you sound like an angel!” “ I do? “ I answered her, “ You are so lucky, I have never even heard an angel, I have no idea what they sound like!” “Well,” she explained “ They sound like a song straight from heaven!” I smiled at the little cutie, “ Thanks sweetheart,” I said, “I needed that today!” Later, I was sitting in the hall when a little cherub biffed it in the hall … he was on his way to the bathroom and a parent nowhere in sight. I jumped to his rescue and kissed the boo boo better. “ Who’s mommy are you?” he asked. “No one. I’m not any one's mommy …” “That’s too bad,” he said “ “‘cause you’re really good at it!” From your lips to God’s ears was my thought.

I sat and pondered the sweet little spirits I encounter every Sunday. I have served the children from two to eighteen in throughout my life. I have been a mentor, a friend and confidant to many. Though have never had a baby,  I have dried a million or more tears, bandaged a few hundred knees, and have given thousands of hugs and kisses. Every time a child’s face lights up because I walked into the room I feel very humbled and very blessed.
One thing that I have been blessed with is faith. I pondered those precious moments I have had in my life and I knew God was telling me that I have purpose and I have not failed. I thought of the thrill of publishing my story in  Chicken Soup For The Soul. I thought of  the cards and crafts and moments I have shared with friends and loved ones. I counted blessing of abundance in my life and I felt gratitude for each one. Suddenly the last 30 years did not seem so harshly lived! I have been happy! I have felt joy and I laugh all the time! I know that right now I must redefine certain aspects of where I am headed and I don't want to be unemployed anymore, but my life is a beautiful gift from a Father who loves me and were it not for these very trials, I would never understand what a beautiful gift this life is!  I will strive a little harder to touch as many people as I can and to keep a grateful heart! I need to remember that my success in this life is not measured by whether or not I have a husband or a house filled with children. My success is defined by sharing the best that is in me on whatever path I find. I open my eyes and my heart to new possibilities and I have hope. Life is not over because one must redefine themselves. I must look at it as though it were a great adventure! The same kind of adventure I looked forward to 30 years ago at high school graduation! Even though my life is not at all what I dreamed for it to be, even as I stand at this current crossroad, I know that if I trust in God and have faith in his eternal promises I will not be forsaken, for anything I desire is his desire for me.

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”
 Matthew 7:7-8